During any transition stage I believe there to be a void. A surprising thought considering at a 'time of change' one would assume transformations to be taking place left, right and centre.
For me, the transition from high school to university has been a great, big, gaping void- full of dreams, desires but also impatience.
More than anything I want plans(both expected and unexpected) to be set into motion so that I can begin working towards my goals. Instead, time seems to be standing still. I no longer wake up with that little flutter in my stomach that serves as a reminder that I am stepping over another mound or hurdle on my life journey. More acurately it seems I am out in the dessert, parched and hungry to make a difference, but walking towards an oasis that never draws near enough.
To make matters worse, I am left unmotivated to tick off the simple, everyday tasks on my long 'AFTER HSC TO-DO' list- activities I had originally looked forward to, hastily typed down, and envisioned with an excited gleam in my eye.
At the moment life(in the sense of achieving life goals) seems very stagnant. I feel as if I am almost in an existentialist state where the monotony of a day consists of little meaning; (*big breath*) working[as a casual in a shoe shop], coming home, eating, sitting on the net doing anything and everything but beneficial work and, in the blink of an eye, drifting off into a dreamless sleep- only to awake and enjoy the repetition of the same cycle with the common addition of extra spice: the obligation to put up with rude customers whilst struggling to make budgets set without any regard to Australia's present economic climate.
I am not really complaining. I am very thankful for the many successes the year, and school-life in general, has brought.
I suppose, more than anything, my little frustrations mount from the almost let-down of post-HSC life. I had expected the vacation to be a time of utter relief and elation, and instead I feel it is a void. Not an entirely unwelcome void(probably one that I needed), but one that I thought would be filled with...meaning... or perhaps something less vague that I cannot quite put my finger on.
Ask me in a years time and I am sure I could vividly explain to you that 'something', and what I felt 'meaning' was. At the moment, call me stupid, but I would welcome the option to be back at school and learning. Learning more about myself, others, and the enigma that is life. For isn't that our ultimate quest?
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label high school. Show all posts
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Just a little, but a little too much
Waking up to the wind howling outside your window after five hours of sleep is always a challenge. Firstly because somehow you have been deprived of your full forty winks, and secondly because chances are it is going to be a dull and gloomy day.
The later you have little control over, and at times it unfortunately seems not much could have been done to prevent the former.
In times like these you need to ask yourself why your head feels like a ton of bricks, and why it would have been easier to prevent it.
Before long comes the all too familiar 'well if I hadn't played chess on the computer half a dozen times until I won I would have had an extra half hour,and I suppose reading that piece of fanfiction was not terribly necessary either...' Somehow all the little things pile up to make something quite big, and as always, we don't figure these things out until it is too late.
That is exactly how I feel about my failures during the HSC.
I approached the HSC(the final exams in high school for those unfamiliar with the jargon) with reasonably high hopes of giving everything I had to prove what I was made of. Being the dux of year 11 with a conditional $20,000 scholarship in my back pocket put me in good steed as well.
After tireless hours pounding away at the keyboard and raking my brain for the best way to achieve full marks for assessments, I usually succeeded, and consequently came first in five of my eight subjects. A school record.
Sounds good so far, however somewhere above lay one of my major problems.
Eight subjects. I did 14, and later 13 units, when I only needed 10. I spread myself far too thin with my idealistic view of being able to nail everything I set about achieving. To only compound this, I spent many a nights procrastinating doing any substantial work in favour of taking the easy way out to play silly computer games or surf the web.
At times when my brain was 'hurting' due to being what I thought was over-worked, I allowed myself to take a little break. These little breaks swiftly transformed into whole hours feeding my petty wants. 'Just one more video', 'just one more game', 'just ten more minutes, then I'll go to bed'.
I whittle it down to poor self-discipline; when I had no schedules to meet, my last-minute innovative self full of good ideas was lost and nowhere to be found.
In effect, I expect my end result of sitting in the exam room making stupid little decisions to compound into a loss of whole bands and benchmarks I myself hoped to set and reach.
If I was to do my HSC again, I would indeed have made different decisions which would have benefited me in the long run.
As always, hindsight is a marvelous thing. Even so, just as those bludgers who say they will pick up their effort in year 12 don't, it would take a large effort to say no to the little inconsequential things and make the best decisions when at the time I had no idea what they were.
In a similar way to the multiplier concept in economics, what may seem little in the short term will accumulate in the long term into something far greater and more harmful.
I kept on giving and giving; spending my time on this extra curricular activity here, that extra shift at work there and those countless hours dedicated to subjects which ultimately will not even count. All until the loss of precious time came back to bite me where I was simply left with the words of my mother echoing in my mind; "you will never get this time back".
Now, as my final score is out of my hands, all I can do is hope that the number which will be forever burned upon my brain is an accurate indicator of my effort.
At the completion of this journey of my life, there are many lessons which have been learnt, and hopefully if nothing else, I will learn from my failures and turn them into successes further down the line.
'All the wasted time' was simply a case of just a little, but a little too much.
The later you have little control over, and at times it unfortunately seems not much could have been done to prevent the former.
In times like these you need to ask yourself why your head feels like a ton of bricks, and why it would have been easier to prevent it.
Before long comes the all too familiar 'well if I hadn't played chess on the computer half a dozen times until I won I would have had an extra half hour,and I suppose reading that piece of fanfiction was not terribly necessary either...' Somehow all the little things pile up to make something quite big, and as always, we don't figure these things out until it is too late.
That is exactly how I feel about my failures during the HSC.
I approached the HSC(the final exams in high school for those unfamiliar with the jargon) with reasonably high hopes of giving everything I had to prove what I was made of. Being the dux of year 11 with a conditional $20,000 scholarship in my back pocket put me in good steed as well.
After tireless hours pounding away at the keyboard and raking my brain for the best way to achieve full marks for assessments, I usually succeeded, and consequently came first in five of my eight subjects. A school record.
Sounds good so far, however somewhere above lay one of my major problems.
Eight subjects. I did 14, and later 13 units, when I only needed 10. I spread myself far too thin with my idealistic view of being able to nail everything I set about achieving. To only compound this, I spent many a nights procrastinating doing any substantial work in favour of taking the easy way out to play silly computer games or surf the web.
At times when my brain was 'hurting' due to being what I thought was over-worked, I allowed myself to take a little break. These little breaks swiftly transformed into whole hours feeding my petty wants. 'Just one more video', 'just one more game', 'just ten more minutes, then I'll go to bed'.
I whittle it down to poor self-discipline; when I had no schedules to meet, my last-minute innovative self full of good ideas was lost and nowhere to be found.
In effect, I expect my end result of sitting in the exam room making stupid little decisions to compound into a loss of whole bands and benchmarks I myself hoped to set and reach.
If I was to do my HSC again, I would indeed have made different decisions which would have benefited me in the long run.
As always, hindsight is a marvelous thing. Even so, just as those bludgers who say they will pick up their effort in year 12 don't, it would take a large effort to say no to the little inconsequential things and make the best decisions when at the time I had no idea what they were.
In a similar way to the multiplier concept in economics, what may seem little in the short term will accumulate in the long term into something far greater and more harmful.
I kept on giving and giving; spending my time on this extra curricular activity here, that extra shift at work there and those countless hours dedicated to subjects which ultimately will not even count. All until the loss of precious time came back to bite me where I was simply left with the words of my mother echoing in my mind; "you will never get this time back".
Now, as my final score is out of my hands, all I can do is hope that the number which will be forever burned upon my brain is an accurate indicator of my effort.
At the completion of this journey of my life, there are many lessons which have been learnt, and hopefully if nothing else, I will learn from my failures and turn them into successes further down the line.
'All the wasted time' was simply a case of just a little, but a little too much.
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